As It Was
by Saros
Summary: Whatever way you look at it, relations between Matsuda and L were anything but romantic. 50 moments from first sight to last sigh, written for the LJ community.


**Disclaimer: **Death Note and all related characters and elements are trademarks and copyright of their lawful owners.

* * *

[02] **Hero**  
When the door swung open and L turned out to be an odd lad of indefinable age (_yet apparently younger than himself_), Touta was sort of disillusioned: the guy looked absolutely not like a genius of detection, ready to save this world, but like a druggy – and what was more, a high one at the moment.

[19] **Candle**  
"_Well, so, L isn't _that_ kind of a man…_" – but it doesn't really matter now, with sparse snowflakes slowly whirling outsides, hot coffee stirring in a cup, and vigorous blaze in Ryuzaki's wide eyes arousing firm assurance of success in this – _oh, so much dangerous! _– case.

[07] **Wings**  
After several meetings, Matsuda's first impression got a reliable proof: L _did _drugs... or, well, it could be called so by stretching a point... because intensity of his mental activity was clearly directly proportional to amount of sweets and caffeine he consumed.

[42] **Talk**  
To a confused "_Erm, L... sorry, Ryuzaki... but- just how much candies can you take a day?!_" Ryuzaki answers that it's food for the thought, not for satiety, and innocently adds there would be no harm for Matsuda-san in trying the same.

[09] **Red**  
"I need to call Watari," addresses L no specific person and reaches his hand out; he doesn't turn back to look – he almost _feels _how Matsuda first knits his brows, looks huffily around, then silently sighs, and after a few seconds his plain red cell-phone lays in the palm of the world-famous detective.

[43] **Search**  
They both avoid unnecessary touches, – due to upbringing, due to personal experience, – so when their fingers accidently come into contact above the bowl with sugar cubes, they both feel uneasily, even if their reasons are absolutely different.

[50] **Breathe**  
Ukita enters the room and starts asking something aloud, but Matsuda hushes him down in a fairly untypical impolite manner; when Ukita goes on with a _Hey, man, WTF?_ speech, Touta silently points at the armchair where Ryuzaki is sitting in his regular way – legs bent and a thumb in his mouth – but with eyes shut close, head reposing on his knees and breath deep and peacefully measured.

[33] **World**  
A few months passed under L's authority, and Touta's living, plainly ordinary even so, was gradually reduced to a restricted range of investigative activities along with petty serving job and ambiguous pleasure of spending every second day and night within the walls of hotel rooms.

[10] **Drink**  
Matsuda attempts to persuade L that they definitely should take a little break and go out, like, to a park, – because it's spring, after all, it's sakura blossom! – but L shuts him up in a moment saying that, the case apart, he's pretty well acquainted with Japanese traditions to know that all the words about "admiring the scenery under the canopy of flowering cherries" are nothing but a specious excuse for getting drunk in the fresh air instead of a crowded pub.

[15] **Silk**  
"They fetter my limbs and shackle my mind," states L and flatly refuses to change his usual loose clothes to something more appropriate for the entrance ceremony, leaving Matsuda in utter confusion as the young officer genuinely believes that a proper exterior ensures more than three quarters of success.

[16] **Cover**  
From under his own shroud of shock Matsuda somehow notices that, despite all the efforts to control himself, Ryuzaki is visibly trembling, and feels a sudden urge to hug the hunched detective, to shelter him from furious Aizawa, to soothe him (_and find some comfort for himself_), – but when Ryuzaki raises his head up, his face is cool and deadpan as usual.

[20] **Talent**  
"Your visual representation of Kira is highly convincing, Matsuda-san," said Ryuzaki absolutely impassively, and Touta could not determine for sure if that was a praise or a reproach.

[27] **Fall**  
Positively, everybody was surprised at Ryuzaki's strange reaction on the message, but only Matsuda run up to him and anxiously asked if he was all right.

[25] **Mask**  
Phone contact was terminated, young officer's drooped figure left the field of vision available from the window, and L snorted and put a note in his mind to be ready for another spell of mute but poorly camouflaged sentiments of Matsuda's distress.

[39] **Overwhelmed**  
The methods Ryuzaki's inclined to use often verge on cheating, and right now it's an obvious, undisguised contravention; but _"It's the Kira case"_ and _"It's mere a necessary part of investigation"_, Touta endeavours to convince himself as he stares in wide-eyed horror at the screen showing a petite fragile figure nailed to a plank like a butterfly treating by some crazy naturalist.

[18] **Dream**  
They have been working diligently all day round and finally dropped off to slumber right on their seats; but only one of them has pleasant dreams, infers Ryuzaki in passing, casting a quick glance and going on watching the monitor, as far as only one of them is not frowning but smiling in his sleep.

[23] **Fire**  
Sometimes L allows himself a finely veiled taunt towards Matsuda and feels perfectly contented when the dull-witted man occasionally catches the hidden meaning of his words.

[37] **Lies**  
Lying, misleading, leaving things unsaid – that's L's customary practice, a useful (_a life-saving_) rule he's not going to break, and he doesn't care a damn for those who overestimate themselves to the point of trying to disapprove him using so illogical concepts as decency and conscience.

[12] **Temptation**  
At times, when Ryuzaki reaches a higher vexing level of freakish rudeness, a sacrilegious desire secretly occurs to resentful Touta: "_Pluck up your spirits and throw a punch at that unscrupulous guy,_" – but he invariably retreats, oppressed with mixture of natural meekness, cowardly conscience and subordinating respect.

[44] **Hope**  
…After all, he was their miracle, their sacred cow and guiding star all in one, and Matsuda was willing to forgive Ryuzaki's whims as far as that man provided them the opportunity to fight and a slim chance to overcome evil.

[34] **Formal**  
Excited Matsuda reaches his hand for a microphone, L – suddenly – yells and hits him to stop, and Matsuda starts back looking obviously stunned and hurt; Aizawa doesn't really care, but a cursory thought crosses his mind: what did offend his junior workmate most of all: a force-involving demonstration of superiority, an underlying reason of the act, or an unceremonious form of address?

[13] **View**  
Ryuzaki knows for certain that Yagami _is _Kira, but cannot establish it, while Matsuda knows in his heart of hearts that it's just _impossible_, and though it is said that extremes meet, this key stumbling-block would never be overcome.

[21] **Silence**  
He'd love to talk to Ryuzaki for once not about the case – but the man has no fancy for pointless chatting; he'd love to ask Ryuzaki something meaningful – but he's long since learnt it's hopelessly to expect a simple answer; he'd love to please him with just anything – but he knows the only thing that'll make Ryuzaki happy is proving Raito-kun a horrible mass-murderer; so they just sit, watch endless records and keep silent.

[30] **Body**  
Reclining heavily against a couch and gently stroking his bulging and a little aching stomach, Matsuda sadly muses that this time, Ryuzaki was mistaken: getting stuffed with damned cakes sure would hardly improve his own intellectual faculties and raise them even a bit nearer to L's level, and the only result he can achieve through that kind of a diet is growing stout very soon.

[49] **Lock**  
"We cannot keep her under lock and key any longer, so every time she leaves the building, I need eyes and ears to mark her every motion, and I want you to do it," told Ryuzaki drowsily over the shoulder and left Matsuda to anticipate the prospects.

[01] **Ring**  
Matsuda doesn't like the way Ryuzaki and Raito develop their relations, but he cannot step in to stop them from coming to blows (_L would undoubtedly regard that as sabotage…_), so he takes the role of referee to pacify inordinately heated masterminds instead.

[40] **Whisper**  
Matsuda looks sympathetically at Raito (who's sleeping on the desk burying his face in a crook of arm) and asks Ryuzaki in a low voice whether it's really impermissible to let the boy stay alone at least at night in a bedroom kept under surveillance in 24/7 regime; Ryuzaki looks intently back at him and murmurs that yes, Matsuda-san is quite right: it's impossible, therefore Matsuda-san should stop disturbing Raito-kun's rest, and instead, he'd better go and sleep himself.

[28] **Forgotten**  
Bearing in mind that, when possible, Matsuda always tries to be around him and Raito, humbly blinking at their digs, Ryuzaki presumes after pondering estrangedly on the riddles of that person's behavior that _maybe, it's something about emotional attachment_, and _perhaps, it would be useful someday_.

[26] **Ice**  
Though Chief has directly told him to leave the young men in peace, though Ryuzaki has given him to understand clearly that his concern is redundant and unwanted, Touta still makes cold compresses and hurries towards the room in strong hope that his good intention at least won't be regarded as 'just another idiocy'... and at the best, will earn him even the smallest bit of gratitude.

[14] **Music**  
The Kira case has long since stuck in hiatus, and as far as there's no really serious work, Matsuda manages to browse through the data, to put occasional remarks in current sluggish discussion, and to listen to his iPod on the sly simultaneously, being quite certain that under his long locks nobody would notice the earphones; two metres further, snuggling up to the back of his chair, Ryuzaki surveys the room and depressively ponders over circumstances, sense and certain slackers unable to realize how annoyingly _loud _Amane is, even in her digital being.

[04] **Box**  
"Hey, Ryuzaki, you'd better stop torment me with all your _'I-know-you-are-Kira-just-because-I-want-it-be-so'_ stuff, because – look, here's Matsuda-san, and he fully agrees with _me _on this point, and _together _we can kick your ass without fuss – can't we, Matsuda-san?" untypically cheerful Raito teases his composed partner, and Touta, who's loitering with his papers the next desk, casts a scared glance at L, flushes and quickly finds an apologetic pretext to moult away and avoid the necessity to find a proper answer to that seemingly innocent question.

[36] **Laugh**  
Matsuda's permanent intentions to 'ease too tense atmosphere' with unassuming jokes never succeeded in evoking even a shadow of wry smile on Ryuzaki's face; the most significant result of all his amusing remarks usually was a tired expression in detective's baggy eyes and a blunt request to go and fetch something _essential _(like one more cup of coffee).

[29] **Dance**  
It's hard to catch out L's facial expression when he's drawn into dancing with Misa-Misa and Raito around that imaginary stele of friendship, but Matsuda can guess it's not about joy or pleasure, and something strange, foul and strong is gripping and eating his heart, though he never realizes that's sheer jealousy.

[08] **Cold**  
At first, the very idea of the century's greatest detective stooped to stand in need of their help – _his help!_ – was so pleasing, so great in itself, that Touta didn't pay much attention to the attitude; but the more sleepless nights pass, the more work is done, the more progress they make – so the more L's frigid disregard wounds his pride.

[17] **Promise**  
Seeing the young cop literally lays himself out to prove his usefulness, L can't dispel a foreboding feeling that it would end up to no good.

[35] **Fever**  
His brains are calculating feverishly – _"...keep smile and look calm, Touta, you miserable loser..."_ – interpreting Ryuzaki's allegorical inquiries in a trice and contriving careful wordings in answer; and never in his life a phone conversation has been so heavy and vitally important.

[24] **Strength**  
Now, everything depended on many varieties of strength: one of Matsuda's psyche, muscles and vestibular apparatus, one of the mattress and men who held it, and one of L's self-control, his ability to hide the faintest hints on his actual anxiety about that reckless, stupid idiot.

[45] **Eclipse**  
"We are observing nothing but an ordinary astronomical event, Matsuda-san... and furthermore, I strongly doubt whether it has anything to do with intensity of Kira's activities…" remarked Ryuzaki with a sceptical smirk which was lost in vain – because, naturally, utter delight expressed on Matsuda's face was radiant enough to substitute the sunshine currently overshadowed by the Moon.

[41] **Wait**  
Ryuzaki may lack personal romantic experience, but he has eyes and he has brains; that's why the sight of Matsuda pacing around, wringing his hands and anxiously voicing impossible suppositions provides him all necessary hints to comprehend the reason.

[48] **Unknown**  
L was a genius in many ways, one of which was his brilliant ability to manipulate people; they'll never learn how much time did it take him to think out the whole plan, but it required the only casual remark creating a semblance of discretion to switch Matsuda's mood from _"Only a madman would assent to that!_" to _"Please allow me do it!_".

[46] **Gravity**  
_"You failed your task, hence you ruined my plan; you are dismissed; sayonara, Matsuda-san,"_ – and then Touta wakes up drenched in a cold sweat and realizes it was only a dream.

[47] **Highway**  
Higuchi is riding at top speed on Route 1, watching Matsuda over embedded TV-set; Ryuzaki and Raito are following Higuchi by helicopter, tracing his way by GPS receiver; meanwhile, Matsuda has no idea of what's going on outside, – _any second could become his last one,_ – and nothing else is left for him but to pin his faith on L's genius and to hope desperately that the good guys will win the race.

[05] **Run**  
The intensity of investigative progress is notably speeded up after gaining the mysterious artifact completed with a creepy creature; it seems like everything grows better, including the zeal for accomplishing the work as quickly as possible… but even then, _certain things_ didn't change.

[31] **Sacred**  
_"Is there anything sacred to him?!"_ wonders Touta again and again; but L never listens to anybody but himself, and the limit of abuse is already exceeded.

[11] **Midnight**  
When L went up for the roof to meditate in the dark of the night, the last person he expected to find there was Matsuda; he stood leaning over the railing and peering into the pile of ever sleepless Tokyo's lights, so deep in contemplation that when he finally noticed L's figure, he seemed quite dumbfounded and began to stammer some sort of rubbish ("Oh, Ryuzaki… I'm here… kinda… couldn't fall asleep, and… just all that..."), but Ryuzaki merely went up without a single word, and after a moment of awkwardness they mutely continued to look at the midnight city.

[06] **Hurricane**  
Light glimmers – L stumbles – L falls – _L fails!_ – and thunderstorm breaks out, and chaos breaks loose, demolishing, terrifying, and Matsuda wishes he could just huddle and shut eyes close – and so he does, swept over with irrational hope: _We'll be OK, please, let everything will be OK, _– but frantic heartbeat rapidly counts time down – and nothing happens, so he tentatively opens his eyes...

[38] **Forever**  
At first sight, nothing changed (Ryuzaki was cool, placid and unfathomable, showing his absolute disregard) – except the fact that now he was irreversibly dead.

[22] **Journey**  
He didn't know how much steps he passed from dedication to the cause to devotion to a person; it was a long run, and the more striking the sudden finish was.

[32] **Farewells**  
Touta is sitting on a bench in the bare deserted park, a half-empty basket of crepes in his hands; his cheeks are smeared with cream and tears – but he senses none of these tastes.

[03] **Memory**  
As it turned out afterwards, L had carried his precautions out perfectly and vanished in the past with no personal material reminders left, so the memory imprints (some glad, some bitter, but all striking and deep) were all Touta Matsuda saved from almost a year spent side by side with the Legend.


End file.
